Spaceman Snake
by SamandMax
Summary: Snake and an old nemesis must compete to see who becomes the first non-rich person in space!


Spaceman Snake  
  
Snake- Hi, I'm Snake. No need to applaud, I know how godly I am. I know a lot of you are thinking right now "Hey Snake, since your so godly, and handsome, why don't you ever go to space." Well, your prayers have been answered because I, Snake, am blasting off into space like so many celebrities before me. There was uhhh....that monkey....that rich guy....and who could forget....all those Russians....oh and Lance Bass was going to go, but I sabotaged his space ship so that ain't happening. Mwaahahahahaha, no one stands in the way of Snake, I AM GOD!!!!!!!!!!..........Ahem, let's get this thing started, shall we?  
  
  
  
Training  
  
Day 1  
  
  
Dr. Scott- Hi Snake, I'm Dr. Leonard Scott. My friends call me Lenny.  
  
Snake- Can I call you Zuktroy?  
  
Dr. Scott- What? No, you can call me Lenny.  
  
Snake- Can I call you Shazbot McGee?  
  
Dr. Scott-...Yeah, whatever. Ok, today we're going to be testing your reflexes.  
  
Snake- Sure thing Shazzy!  
  
Dr. Scott- Hey, no Shazzy, it's Shazbot!  
  
Snake- Sorry Shazbot. Okay, what do we do.  
  
Dr. Scott- Sit on that table. I'm going to hit your knee with this medical hammer, and we'll see how long it takes to move.  
  
Snake- Yeah, I don't like tables. I sat on once, and it kind of burst into flames, so I don't go near them anymore. Can I stand?  
  
Dr. Scott- No.  
  
Snake- Okay, I'll sit in that chair.  
  
Dr. Scott- Snake, that's not a chair, that's Dr. Svenson.  
  
Dr. Svenson- Get off of me, freak.  
  
Snake- Sorry, you really looked like a chair.   
  
Dr. Scott- Here's a damn chair Snake, sit down and shut the hell up.  
  
Snake- Whoooaaa, looks like Shazbot's a bit cranky....Ow, you're not supposed to hit me in the face with the hammer.  
  
Dr. Scott- Sorry, it slipped. Okay, let's do this thing.  
  
Snake- Ow.  
  
Dr. Scott- Ok, took you three seconds to move. That's odd, a bit higher than the average.   
  
Snake- Hey shut up, I've been reflexin' since you were born.  
  
Dr. Scott- Snake, I'm older than you.  
  
Snake- Then I've been reflexing since I was born.  
  
Dr. Scott- Most doctors don't hit babies in the knees Snake.  
  
Snake-...Ok, I've been reflexing since two minutes ago.  
  
Dr. Scott- That's what I though, bitch.  
  
Snake- Hey Shazbot, I heard that. Next time, I'm going to really get aggressive.  
  
Dr. Scott- I'd like to see you try, Lardie McLard.  
  
  
  
Trial  
  
  
Judge- Snake, you're being tried for assault, what do you have to say in your defence?  
  
Snake- Your honor, he called me Lardie McLard, what am I supposed to do? Ignore him and let him make fun of me, and them make me cry?  
  
Judge- Hmmm...since I'm terribly drunk right now and want to leave, I'm going to let you loose. But don't ever go near Mr. Shazbot again.  
  
Dr. Scott- My name's Leonard your honor.  
  
Judge- Ah, shut up Shazzy.  
  
  
  
  
Training  
  
Day 15  
  
  
Colonel- Hey Snake, I'm here on behalf on Pepsi. The refreshing drink that lets you into heaven, while other soft drinks send you to hell.  
  
Snake- Why are you advertising Pepsi?  
  
Colonel- Because I get a bag full of money each time I do. Now, we have a slight problem. As you know, Pepsi was sponsoring you and paying for your trip into space. Well, it seems they're not giving you anymore money, and are instead sponsoring someone else.  
  
Snake- What!? WHO!!!  
  
Colonel- I don't know Snake, I don't think I should tell you.  
  
Snake- TELL ME OR I'LL OPEN THE GATES TO HELL, RIP OUT YOUR SPINE AND EAT IT, AND THEN SPIT IT STRAIGHT TO SATAN!!!!!  
  
Colonel- The other man is....Burt Reynolds..  
  
Snake- Hmmmm... I see.  
  
Colonel- You're taking this quite well.  
  
Snake- Please get me a bottle of whiskey and my shotgun, I have to pay a visit to an old friend.  
  
Colonel- Snake, don't shoot Burt Reynolds. Remember last time you did, they blamed it on Raiden and now he's getting the death penalty.  
  
Snake- Hey, I told Raiden not to get his prints on the gun.  
  
Colonel- Whatever...  
  
  
  
Burt Reynolds Trailer  
  
  
Burt- Hmmm...It's mysteriously quiet. I think there's trouble a brewin'.  
  
Snake- Hi Burt, remember me?  
  
Burt- Oh my god, it's Marlon Brando!  
  
Snake- No, it's me, Snake.  
  
Burt- Who?  
  
Snake- Snake? The guy who almost beat you to death at that Iron Chef taping, and then I was your stuntman in that movie and the monkeys ran away with our bodies.  
  
Burt- Oh right, now I remember. I thought your name was Jasper.  
  
Snake- Jasper? How did you think that?  
  
Burt- I don't know, you look like a Jasper.  
  
Snake- Do I? Hmmm...I was planning to change my name.  
  
Burt- Yeah, I think you should.  
  
Snake- Yeah, I'm going to change my name. Thanks Burt.Leaves  
  
Snake- Hey wait a minute, I didn't shoot him. And know his trailer's locked. Whatever, I gotta go change my name.  
  
  
Court  
  
  
Judge- Snake, what are you doing here?  
  
Snake- I'm here to change my name.  
  
Judge: sighOk, what are you changing it to.  
  
Snake- I want to be Jasper Horseradish.  
  
Judge: Jasper Horseradish?  
  
Snake- Yes.  
  
Judge- That's the worst name I've ever heard.  
  
Snake- So?  
  
Judge-...Okay, from now on, you're known as Jasper Horseradish.  
  
Jasper: Yes!  
  
  
Training 23  
  
Dr. Blade- Hello Snake.  
  
Jasper- My name's Jasper. Jasper Horseradish.  
  
Dr. Blade- What?  
  
Jasper- I changed my name.  
  
Dr. Blade- Uhhh...ok. Well Jasper, today you're going to be going to be going in the space simulator.  
  
Jasper: Yeah, Jasper doesn't want to do that.  
  
Dr. Blade:Uhhh...what?  
  
Jasper: Jasper isn't going in there.  
  
Dr. Blade- Snake...I mean Jasper, why are you talking in 3rd person?  
  
Jasper:Jasper doesn't have to answer your questions, Jasper's leaving.  
  
Burt Reynolds: Walking in Hey Snake.  
  
Jasper: My name's not Snake, it's Jasper Horseradish.  
  
Burt- Horseradish? What the hell's wrong with you.  
  
Jasper: Think that's funny Reynolds, this is funny kicks Burt in the crotch  
  
Burt- Aghhhhhieee  
  
Jasper- Heheheh, Jasper doesn't like you.  
  
Burt- You think you're so tough just because you changed your name, I can change mine too!  
  
  
Court  
  
  
Burt Reynolds- Hey Judge, I wanna change my name.  
  
Judge- Hey, are you Burt Reynolds! I loved Smokie and the Bandit 2!  
  
Burt- Yeah, me too. Look, I wanna change my name.  
  
Judge- Sure, anything for you Burt.  
  
Burt- Okay, I want my name to be Zanzibar Tollbooth.  
  
Judge- Zanzibar Tollbooth? Are you sure?  
  
Burt- Yeah, make it official.  
  
Judge- Well....ok, but then I want you and me to act out a scene from Smokie and the Bandit. Ok, from this day on, you're now known as Zanzibar Tollbooth.  
  
  
Training   
  
  
Day 34  
  
Dr. Blade- Jasper, I'm a little worried about that test you wrote. You spelt moon with an e at the end.  
  
Jasper- Phhhh, Jasper can spell however he wants.  
  
Dr. Blade- Mr. Horseradish, I don't think you're the right man to be entering space. I think Burt Reynolds should go.  
  
Zanzibar-entering Hey, don't call me Burt Reynolds. My name's Zanzibar Tollbooth.  
  
Jasper- Zanzibar Tollbooth? Damn, you did get a better name than me.  
  
Zanzibar- Hahaha, sorry Jasper, looks like I'm going into space, I have the better name.  
  
Dr. Blade- Uhhh, you know, we're not just judging your names.  
  
Jasper- Oh yeah, I'm going to change my name again. A name so good, Jesus himself would want it.  
  
  
Court  
  
  
Judge- Next up, we have Jasper Horseradish...Dammit, why can't he leave me alone.  
  
Jasper- Your honor, I want to change my name again, to beat Burt Reynolds name.  
  
Judge- Well, this is highly irregular, but yeah, sure.  
  
Jasper- Ok, I want my name to be Guuuuuaaaahhhh Von Pantenstuff.  
  
Judge- Uhhhh...are you sure you want that to be your name.  
  
Jasper- Yes. Yes I am.  
  
Judge- Well....ok, from now on, your Guuuuuaaaahhhh Von Pantenstuff.  
  
Guuuuuaaaahhhh- Thank you your honor.  
  
  
Training   
  
  
Day 56  
  
Dr. Blade- Jasper, you haven't been here for 18 days. I'm afraid you aren't coming on the space shuttle anymore.  
  
Guuuuuaaaahhhh- Phhh, I don't need your spaceship, I'm Guuuuuaaaahhhh Von Pantenstuff, I can do whatever I want.  
  
Dr. Blade- Dear god, you changed your name again. Your a very strange man Mr. Pantenstuff, a very strange and disturbed man.   
  
Zanzibar- He sure is disturbed, and strange, and ugly. Hahahaha.  
  
Guuuuuaaaahhhh- Shut up Zanzibar, I win the name game. My name is now Guuuuuaaaahhhh Von Pantenstuff.  
  
Zanzibar- Crap, you're in the lead. Wait here a second, I got an even better one.  
  
  
Court  
  
Judge- Ok, now what the hell do you want. Let me guess, change your name?  
  
Zanzibar- Yes your honor.  
  
Judge- Ok, what is it.  
  
Zanzibar- I want my new name to be Platapuseggsandwichwalrusheadtombosleyfonzieayyyyy McPoopoo.  
  
Judge- This is truly a sad day for mankind. Okay, change your name to whatever the hell you just said.  
  
Platapuseggsandwichwalrusheadtombosleyfonzieayyyyy- Hahahaha, I'd like to see Guuuuuaaaahhhh beat that one.  
  
  
Guuuuaaaahhhh's Apartment  
  
Guuuuuaaaahhhh- singing My name is Guuuuuaaaahhh, I am a rockstar, GUUUUUAAAAHHHH!!!  
  
Platapuseggsandwichwalrusheadtombosleyfonzieayyyyy- kicking down the door Here's Platapuseggsandwichwalrusheadtombosleyfonzieayyyyy!  
  
Guuuuuaaaahhhh- Damn, that's a good name. Well Platapuseggsandwichwalrusheadtombosleyfonzieayyyyy, it looks like you win, you can go into space.  
  
Platapuseggsandwichwalrusheadtombosleyfonzieayyyyy- Actually, I can't go into space. I missed 50 of my training days because I was thinking up good names. They booted me off the ship.  
  
Guuuuuaaaahhhh- Yeah me too, hey, let's go for a beer.  
  
Platapuseggsandwichwalrusheadtombosleyfonzieayyyyy- Okay, I'll go start my car. leaves  
  
Guuuuuaaaahhhh- Mwahahaha, I put a bomb in his car. No one messes with Guuuuuaaaahhhh and gets away with it!  
  
  
  
  
  
End  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Wait, there's more!  
  
  
Guuuuuaaaahhhh's Themesong  
  
Guuuuuaaaahhhh Finger, he's like Goldfinger except with a shotgun  
Guuuuuaaaahhhh Finger, the man with Burt Reynold's burnt corpse  
Guuuuuaaaahhhh Finger, he never made it into space because he spelt it moone  
Guuuuuaaaahhhh Finger, he likes to beat old women with a cane  
He's Guuuuuaaaahhhh Finger, the man who accidently drove over James Bond! 


End file.
